I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
