i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My ATM looks so different sober.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
as a side note pls kill me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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