you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
