I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
