No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i now understand why vodka
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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