No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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