so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
