Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
