I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
