ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
