You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
