1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
