I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
