My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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