woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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