Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
