Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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