Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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