3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
