oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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