haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
