Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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