so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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