I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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