Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
