I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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