I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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