you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My feet surprised me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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