i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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