i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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