Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
