I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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