so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
