dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
