Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
