I wish I could teleport
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
