My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
