i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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