WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
