so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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