im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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