oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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