of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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