The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
