i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
