Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
