I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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