ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
