Do you still have your period?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
