I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
