wakey wakey hands off snakey
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
