He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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