the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
