my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
