My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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