I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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