yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
